Her name is Fatima

 An orphan is the name of a child who lost his mother,

 But what is the name of a mother who loses a child? 

 Crushed between the door and the wall along with the souls of Hassanain,

 Robbed of her child, her right, her husband's, she fights through the pain.

 Her name is Fatima. The one whose essence mankind will never reach, 

 For God Himself has shielded her with a protection that none can breach,

 Mistress of my soul and the women of the worlds,

 With her name and her hand the secret of this life unfurls,

 The strength of my heart and the strength of Haidar,

 The strength of the lion who conquered Khaybar, 

 For who else can converse with such beauty and power,

 Fight the usurpers after the loss of Mohsen, the wilted flower? 

 Her name is az-Zahra, the radiant light, illuminating a path,

 For those who want to see and be away from God's wrath,

 For he who angers az-Zahra has evoked the Messenger's displeasure,

 And no doubt, God's own wrath which follows is that beyond any measure,

 For who is so aligned with the will of her Creator,

 Which woman did He create, that other than her there is no greater? 

 Her name is al-Batool, unsurpassed in every way,

 Be it the chastity, the virtue, or the worship she did display,

 No man equalled her strength the day she fought her right,

 Look around you now- see the destruction of Fatima's might.

 For which woman could have such eloquence and knowledge of the Book? 

 Fadak was hers then and now, no matter what they took. 

 Quoting the verses to them that were revealed to her very door,

 Every lie, every plot of theirs and tactic, into shreds she tore. 

 For she is as-Siddiqa, the truthful, no matter who calls himself this too,

 A name is just a name but the truth lies in what we do,

 Ali is with the truth, truly this is no lie,

 And the truth is with Ali, but she will shortly die,

 Leaving behind a house that is both so full and bare,

 Full of Ali's grief, but of a mother's warmth, left bare,

 A homely nest no more, for its mother is no longer,

 A house that used to buzz with life, now remains mourning and sombre.

 Hassan holds her feet and Hussain cries on her chest, 

 An imagine after which the heart of Ali will never find rest,

 Zainab and Kulthum sob as they await the darkness of night,

 One final farewell they crave before facing a new plight.

 And Ali...? A broken man, half a human, dealt his biggest blow,

 He sits with his head in his hands, and tears of anguish now freely flow. 

 The lion, the warrior, the hero that roared with such might,

 Now quietly sobs for her pain and her loss, a flame of grief now alight.

 Two souls intertwined...now world's apart,

 A long journey of loneliness Ali has to start,

 Her orphans, her prayer mat, the memories of her days,

 With these he will survive, and he now says...

 'A flower, nipped in the bud. From paradise it came, and to paradise it went, but has left its fragrance in my mind'. 

 

God's Work of Art

A ferocious warrior, a soft spoken sage,

No other man could be both in any era or age,

A servant so humble, an emperor so great,

Never has a man possessed both traits so innate,
The father of orphans, the prince of a nation,
Two faces in this world which have no relation,
And yet, my Master, you were all of these things,
Everything and more, your virtues gushing like springs,
A man has only one heart, so how were you, you?
How are you everything, how can you be true?
I sat at the gate of my heart just as you sat at yours,
And He showed me how all this in your heart flows.

For if a man sits as watchful as you of his heart,
And no iota of doubt can take it apart,
Then that man is not certain, but certainty itself,
And if he defeats the whole of disbelief alone,
Then that man is not faithful, but the very faith itself,
And if you lifted the gate which forty men couldn't,
Then you are not strong but rather strength itself,
And if you demonstrate the impossible,
Then surely you are the hand of God Himself,
And I have no words to describe your words,
Suffice to say you are the word of God itself.

An eternity could pass yet your mystery will always be,
You are the blinding light that allows us to see,
The deafening truth that allows us to hear,
The saint whom we call in any worry or fear,
No words can describe you and no mind can perceive,
Your justice no judge or wise man can achieve,
And your lineage...where can I even begin?
Divinity and godliness and cures are found therein,
And why not, when their mother is their mother,
The radiant soul, and there will never be another,
And your light is the light of God's most adored,
The messenger you guarded with your life and your sword,

You are Ali- elevated in every way,
Second to none no matter what they say,
The spark that ignites every beat of my heart,
The beauty of both worlds- God's own work of art,
The victor in battle and of the hearts of the pure,
Your allegiance is the promise of a future secure,
Your name is my cure in affliction and pain,
And I will call out to you again and again,
Let them mock and deny and say what they please,
I'll smile as you rescue me from hardship to ease.

Tonight and always, my heart overflows,
Your love is infinite and within me it grows,
The more I know you, the less I can contain,
Abu Thar was in love- he wasn't insane,
A badge of honour and a mark of pride,
He couldn't conceal it even if he tried,
You are the wealth which can't be taken away,
And so we will praise you all night and all day,
Judgement will come and still we won't finish,
Your virtue and glory will never diminish.

So I ask one last time, how are you, you?
A sage and a lion, how can both be true?
How can these virtues fit in one heart?
And I have only one answer- you are God's work of art.

Motherhood

 I think the title of this blog post should explain why I haven't posted in so long haha! By the grace of the Almighty, I have been blessed with the the honour of motherhood this year- a massive silver lining in a year that has otherwise been filled with fear, anxiety, loss and grief. I'm only 3 months into this amazing journey but my God, it can only be described as the steepest learning curve I've ever experienced. I just wanted to share a few thoughts and tips (I am far from an expert) that I've picked up over the last few months.

1. DO NOT COMPARE YOUR EXPERIENCE TO ANYONE ELSE'S!

This is for all first time mums. I have to admit, it's a lot easier said than done, and I still find myself sometimes going down the self-deprecating road of, "but that person's child is sleeping 6 hours already...what am I doing wrong?". Don't get me wrong, it doesn't help when someone asks you how you're doing and you try to be honest, only to be faced with the followup of, "But is she a good sleeper? Does she feed well? Does she still cry a lot?". It's hard to ignore, but if you can...you will set yourself free. 

2. GET SOME GOOD READING MATERIAL

Other than Google, I mean. The number of times a day I type in, "is it normal when a baby..." is ridiculous. I've come to realise that reading a book or listening to a podcast or basically anything fruitful is way more calming and relaxing, especially when breastfeeding. Keep it ready in an easy to access place- fussy babies are a ticking time bomb to the ultimate meltdown, as we all know. 

3. TRUST YOUR GUT

This one, I am really, really passionate about. Far too often, a first time mum will get the "first time mum treatment" when she raises concerns about things she might notice and worry about. Or maybe it was just me. What I have come to realise in the last 3 months is that my instincts have not once let me down so far- so go with yours. Nobody knows your baby better than you, even if it is your first one, so be persistent if you have any concerns. 

4. LET LOOSE A LITTLE

Before I gave birth, I imagined myself to lose the baby weight, be going for serene daily walks with my little one, find time for some light exercise, cook as usual and still have a social life. I look back and wonder how much I must have paid for those drugs. Don't get me wrong, for some people it does pan out that way. For me and a lot of others, it doesn't. And that's just life. I used to think I must have been doing something terribly wrong or that there was something wrong with my daughter for me not to manage all the activities and lifestyle of my fellow mothers, but actually...it's just the hand I've been dealt. Have low expectations and you might be pleasantly surprised. 

That's all for now. There are lots more but...my newest boss needs me! 

Introspection

If you're reading this during a Covid-19 lockdown, wherever you may be (sounds so dramatic and movie like!), you probably understand why this would be a convenient time for introspection and a subsequent blog post! Particularly for someone who can't actually work from home (dentist here).

Over the last few weeks, many of us have probably experienced a range of emotions and thoughts- stress, panic, helplessness, and then maybe, eventually...hope, submission, and dare I say...patience. I don't know about you, but this pandemic has been a bit of a reflection of most issues we face in our lives- just an accelerated cycle of emotions compared to the usual.

Usually, most of us when faced with a genuine problem in life will start off with the initial emotions I mentioned. We will panic, digest just how bad the issue is, go through potential solutions and discard them for whatever reason they're not suitable, and often we will just keep repeating this cycle. It's exhausting and can drain someone of any positivity at all! But this is what we do, because we as humans have a false sense of invincibility- I should be able to solve MY problems.

During this pandemic however, I think a lot of us have been pushed onto the next stage of the cycle, which in other situations we might not even get to- the calm after the initial storm of worry- acceptance, forbearance, reliance on God, perhaps even gratitude. Essentially- patience. This time, there is nothing we can do...literally nothing, to protect the material things we value the most. The economy is a mess, most of our incomes are in jeopardy, and thus rent or mortgage payments, our health, that of our families...the list goes on and on. Sometimes I think this is a reminder from Allah that we aren't in control- we never have been! And it is only when we accept this, that we can get past the worry stage and be in touch with our better, higher selves.

A lot of us might have been worried about our finances, our jobs, our health...and perhaps we now feel calmer because none of these outcomes were up to us anyway. I know my initial worries seem to have fizzled away over the last week or so and I am so grateful for this. The same way Allah has brought a temporary cloud of uncertainty over us, He is capable of bringing protection, stability, health and calm to us all as well.

Parenthetically, this time has also made me reflect on the power and sincerity of supplication, particularly when I read the ones specifically recommended for the month of Rajab. I was listening to a speaker at the start of the month who mentioned something that I know I seem to forget- nothing diminishes in Allah's dominion when He chooses to grant us something we ask for. For Him it's effortless, lossless, and this is something I try to remember when I supplicate now.

May Allah keep us all safe, healthy, and most importantly patient, in these turbulent times.

Recharging

I begin in the name of God, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

It's been a while since I have blogged properly, partly because I don't actually know if anyone reads these anymore, and partly because well...I just haven't made the time! I was tempted to say that I haven't had the time, but that would be a lie; we can always make time if something is important enough.

As human beings, it's natural for us to get tired from time to time, especially mentally. Usually we tire from doing the same thing for a while- the hamster wheel that is work, day to day routines, being in the same surroundings. We overwork whatever part of our minds it is that we use during these activities, and we seek a way to recharge it- the same way we would recharge our body with fluids and protein shakes after working our bodies hard.

But why is it that sometimes we still don't stop feeling tired? We will 'relax', take our minds off the serious things in life, get a massage or just have a nap...and still feel exhausted and ready to go back to bed the second we get back into the old routine. I think it is because we often try and recharge our minds with the wrong type of fuel. Or we do whatever we would do to recharge our bodies, and expect it to work for our minds as well, forgetting that our minds...(wait for it)...have a mind of their own! (Yes, I actually did it). (Sorry).

But seriously, many of us don't treat our mind as the separate entity that it is, and so we think that a nap or a sugar binge or a couple of hours of FIFA on the PS4 (no, this is not a dig at my husband at all) will fix our exhaustion, when actually, our minds crave a totally different type of energy. From my limited experiences, I feel that when our mind is exhausted, it doesn't wish to shut down, it just needs to be used in a different way, or a different part of it needs to be used. It needs a different kind of stimulation- similar to how after our muscles tire from a vigorous workout, we stretch them and do a warm down, rather than just stopping movement altogether and becoming idle.

For many of us, that stretching or warm down could be reading, listening to something meaningful, painting, drawing, creating. For me, it is writing. Which is why, even if nobody reads this, it is my outlet and my way of recharging my mind. More than anything, this blog has been a reminder and an outlet for myself, and anyone who reads or benefits from it is a massive bonus.

So, I hope to be writing a lot more frequently here, God willing.

Custodian of my Soul

My master, my saviour, O' custodian of my soul,

I write these words for you in hope of becoming whole,

For what is my purpose if from you I'm apart?

How do I live on if you don't dwell in my heart?

A fish without water or a bird without wings,

Without you I am worse off than all of these things,

So tonight when destinies are tied and futures aligned,

When each fate is written and missions assigned,

I come to you begging with only one wish,

My heart full of guilt but my eyes in anguish...

I ask for a promise though I have no right,

But the flame of my hope shines so blindingly bright,

I ask that my soul remains always for you,

That I remain in your service whatever I do,

That you are my guardian and no other king,

No other person no matter what luring they bring,

Though I am not worthy, I know only one truth,

That I want to give you my end and my youth,

You are my beginning and you are my end,

This soul that I've shattered only your hands can mend.

Will you deny me on a night of such hope?

Would you forget me when I've held onto your rope?

No...how would you, when you've shown me such mercy?

When you've fed me the drink of your love when I'm thirsty,

You've responded to words still unescaped from my heart,

Granted the prayers that I've had yet to impart,

You've saved me from disasters to me unbeknown,

You shoulder my sorrows though I've left you alone,

No other such mercy exists in this world,
For it is attained from just one household,
Lanterns that guide and arks of salvation,
A household of honour and saintly prostration...

So I ask by your honour and by that of the other eleven,
By the majesty of the kings of the youths of His heaven,
By the modesty and grace of the treasure of Haidar,
And the might of the lion who lifted the gate of Khaybar,
And by the beauty of him for whom words I can't find,
The praised one whose brilliance could turn my eyes blind...
Accept me, my servitude and make me your own,
Allow me to repay a fraction of the mercy you've shown,
Let my eyes not shed tears except for your pain,
And if I lose everything, let your love remain,
If ever I'm deserted then stretch out your hand,
Be my place of belonging if I belong to no land,
If I lose all guidance and and in darkness I wander,
To my calls of help always be the responder,
Be my shelter if my home is taken away,
The stars of the night sky and the sun in the day...

May my health and my wealth and my life be for you,
Take all that I have, I'll start afresh and anew,
For in this world and the next, I have only one goal,
That you are forever the custodian of my soul.

Catch Up

It feels like a lot longer since I last blogged, possibly because in between my last blog and this one, I graduated, got married, travelled a little (a couple of getaways), got a new job, and went for the Hajj pilgrimage! Clearly, it has been an eventful year. (I'm not even sure blogspot is a thing anymore or if anyone will read this...but I've missed writing so here goes :) )

The main reason that I felt like writing this blog was to share my Hajj experience- something a lot of people ask me about when I meet them for the first time since being back. The truth is, I still don't know what to say about it. It may sound odd, but whilst many of my fellow pilgrims had a lot to say about the experience during and after the Hajj trip, I feel as though I am still digesting the journey and experience, and still making observations about the effects and impacts it has had on my day to day life, before I comment fully. A few things I can say for sure, however:

1) It was a challenge- the heat, a standard Hajj flu, and the other 2 million people trying to complete the Hajj rituals simultaneously, all made Hajj the challenge that I was told it would be. However, more than the physical challenge, it was a challenge of willpower at many times. Staying calm when I wanted to panic, staying composed when I wanted to release some pent up annoyance, staying determined when I thought I couldn't complete the rituals as I had planned.

2) I learnt more about myself than I could have imagined, and I am continuing to do so. The day of Arafa was a day of complete transparency with Allah. If you haven't yet read the supplication of Imam Hussain (may Allah's everlasting peace and blessings be upon him) on the day of Arafa, you are missing out! This year was the first time I purposefully and attentively took a good chunk of time to read this supplication, and I can confidently say I have never read another supplication quite like it. Imam Hussain taught me through this supplication, to be truthful with Allah, which required me to first be truthful with myself. Now that I am back, I am trying to continue this transparency and accounting for my actions and intentions as bluntly and transparently as I did on the day of Arafa.

3) When Allah says He will repay you manifold, He means it. I have been showered with many blessings not just since I have returned from Hajj, but as soon as Eid day while I was still in the holy city of Mecca. Material blessings, and also blessings in the form of Tawfeeq to follow through intentions I had made previously. Yes- part of it may be that I am just more aware and more grateful for the things that perhaps I did not thank Allah for before, but sometimes you know when Allah has sent you a bonus, and I am the fortunate recipient of such bonuses right now. Alhamdulillah!

There is so much more I could say about this amazing and blessed journey, but I wouldn't do it justice. Suffice to say that it is a springboard for progress. You are tested, you are moulded, cleansed, and start afresh. You plan, set goals and cement intentions.

But as I've been told so many times...the real test starts now.

:)

P.S. you know it's been a long time when you say blogspot instead of blogger. Jheez.