Unreturned Love

A friend and I watched a lecture a few days back about the Imam of our time, may God hasten his reappearance. There was a story in the lecture, which I hope I can narrate as accurately as possible.

Allama al Hilli was a great scholar, an expert in his field, but he had two dillemas; the first was that he didn't understand Imam al Baqir's (as) hadith, where he said that God would cure sins the size of the ocean for one who shed a tear the size of the wing of a mosquito for Imam Hussein (as). The second was that he wanted to know if one actually meets the Imam of our time if he or she goes to Kufa for forty Thursdays in a row.

It was the fortieth Thursday and Allama al Hilli was walking towards Kufa. As he was drawing closer, an Arab man approached him and asked him where he was headed. Allama al Hilli replied that he was going to Kufa. The Arab man asked him why, to which Allama al Hilli said that he wanted to meet the Imam of his time. Again, the Arab man asked the reason. Allama al Hilli replied that he had a question to ask the Imam (af). When the Arab man asked what his quesiton was, Allama al Hilli explained his first dillema and said that he was confident that he would meet the Imam, it being his fortieth Thursday visiting Kufa.

The Arab man asked Allama al Hilli if he would permit him to answer his question, to which the scholar was slightly hesitant. However, the Arab man insisted he be given a chance to ease Allama al Hilli's first dillema. He narrated the following story:

There was once a king who, with his army, proceeded towards a war. However, he lost his army and was left deserted in a forest, where he saw a small cabin. The king approached this cabin and knocked on the door. When an old woman answered, the king explained his situation and asked the old lady if she could let him stay with her for a few nights for safety. The woman explained that she lived alone with her son, and that the king was more than welcome to stay.

The woman and her son gave everything they had- they had only one animal, which they sacrificed for the hungry king. After he ate, he promised the woman and her son that when he returned to his kingdom, he would repay them for their favour, and he left.

Months passed, but the woman and her son heard nothing from the king, so her son decided to approach the palace to remind him of his promise. Her son approached the king in his palace, and asked the king if he remembered the time when he was deserted in the forest. The king immediately remembered, and wondred how he could have forgotten his promise. The king turned to one of his advisors and asked how he should repay the young man and his mother. The advisor suggested to give them some treasure. Another advisor suggested some land.

The king looked at the advisors and said, "How unjust both of you are. This young man and his mother gave away everything they had, for me. Therefore, if I am just, I want to give away everything I have, for them."

The Arab man explained that if a normal king could be as generous as to give away everything he had in return for a single sacrificed animal, then the King of kings could undoubtedly give away His repentance to the man who gave everything away for Him on the tenth of Muharram.

Allama al Hilli narrated that he began to cry when he heard this answer to his dillema. The Arab man then said to Allama al Hilli, "Tell our followers that when they visit us and they need our help, I will always be there to help them." As soon as Allama al Hilli realised that the Arab man was the Imam of our time, the Imam had gone.

After listening to this story, I feel ashamed. Here is a man, someone we claim to follow and be loyal to, who probably cares more about our actions than we do ourselves, who wants to offer us a route salvation and loves us, and yet we don't return this love- instead, we keep him waiting. We fail to be the soldiers that he so desperately wants.

Falling In Love

My second entry on this blog was not, as many of my other entries are, old thoughts that had taken time to articulate into words. Rather, that entry was exactly what and how I felt at the time. It was a new view- a new, unpresedented feeling. I felt like my eyes had finally opened. When I look back, I wonder how on Earth I could have been so blind to the message of Imam Hussein (as) for so long. At the same time, I feel blessed for God to have allowed me to find it.

As time has passed over the recent months, this feeling has grown into something much more beautiful- something more from the soul as opposed to mere intellect. I feel unexplainably fortunate when I look back at the seemingly insignificant things that have caused me to feel the way I do. Small things- seeing someone dedicate their services to Imam Hussein (as), things people have said in passing about him, and my own pondering and admiration for his stand for justice.

My feelings are difficult to put into words. To say the least, this feeling can no longer be contained within myself- I need to do something and show him how I feel. I want the world to know how great he was despite its inability to do him any justice. I want to stand for whatever he stood for and be one to defend what he defended and fight what he fought. I want to be loyal to him.

If this is not falling in love, I really don't know what is.

The Tears In The Darkness

In the hour of darkness, you woke me,
You inspired me to sit there, awake,
We struggled, we talked and I cried,
Trying, my shell of ego, to break.

At first, I remained persistent,
I clung to the old, fading mask,
But with time and tears, you won over,
By the many questions you'd ask.

With each answer I sobbed, it dawned,
That you were easing my soul into peace,
You rescued it from the sea of confusion,
And from longing, you gave it release.

Through all the tears in the darkness,
I admitted what you already knew,
I wept, that behind all this courage,
I was desperately craving for you.

Those that  usurped your place in my heart,
Began to flow out with my tears,
And my heart began to fill with your love,
Like never, in these solitary years.

In the darkness, my tears were a blessing,
For, after crying, I could finally see,
And in my soul full of thanks, a fire had ignited,
A light- a reason to be.

I Dream While I Wait

A servant, a lover, but so far away,
With only the thought of your dome,
I beg and pray to rest at the place,
That my soul believes to be home.

How many times I have called on you,
Now only God can have counted,
To all the tears that have left longing eyes,
My calls to you have amounted.

Feeling incomplete, life stretches on,
But it is only one thing I await;
To set eyes on your shrine and set foot on your dust,
That place they call heaven's gate.

I write and I pray with nothing but hope,
For what else, in my soul, can there be?
So with strength, I sit, and I dream while I wait,
To discover His honoured decree.

With no words left to write, I wonder,
If my pain can be understood,
If my soul was my ink and your soul my paper,
Then write forever, I would.

I stare at these words with frustration,
For my longing cannot be described,
But in my half broken heart live these verses,
My longing, forever inscribed.

I Return

Weeping and forgetful, here I stand,
Through aged fingers slips the aged sand,
In this cruel desert, I can no longer burn,
So off my high horse, to you I return,
With my head bowed full of guilt and shame,
I dare to utter your beautiful name,
Show me your mercy, just this last time,
I promise you now, no more of that crime,
Help me remember, and enter my heart,
For remembering is the one hardest part,
When I am empty, you are my fill,
And when I stand helpless, you are my will,
Alone, I am but a bundle of needs,
An accumulation of embarrassing deeds,
So guide me, stay with me, let my love grow,
And maybe, of all this, I will simply let go.

A Poem

Day and night, you fill my mind,
Making peace so rare to find,
I wonder how and where you are,
In the darkness, my shining star,
The same questions, I always ask,
Yet to find an answer seems a task,
But I search with hope of seeing you,
When there is no more I can do,
And though I have not seen you yet,
In my heart, there’s no regret,
This searching puts my soul at rest,
For there is blessing in every test,
Perhaps it is the gift of time,
A chance to erase a life of crime,
Or better still, to yearn for you,
When there’s no deed I’d rather do,
Save to fight right by your side,
My master, my friend, my only guide.

Just A Thought

This has been playing on my mind for quite a while now, but I think it makes sense, so here goes...

If I was part of an army, or navy, or any organisation that serves to represent a nation with an ideology, then I would base my whole life around this. I would marry a patriot, make sure my children were patriotic, didn't break the laws of my country, I would dissociate myself from any opponents of my nation, possibly even from people associated with opponents. My whole life- all my decisions, friendships and enemities, plans- would revolve around serving that nation, and helping it towards success.

In the same way, for people who consider themselves the servants of the Imam (a.f.), shouldn't our lives also be built around the cause of the Imam (a.f.)? I feel like the fact that we can't see him has made us forget our duty towards him, when in fact, it is very much the same case as the aforementioned one, possibly even greater a responsibility, as it will impact our hereafter too.