Custodian of my Soul

My master, my saviour, O' custodian of my soul,

I write these words for you in hope of becoming whole,

For what is my purpose if from you I'm apart?

How do I live on if you don't dwell in my heart?

A fish without water or a bird without wings,

Without you I am worse off than all of these things,

So tonight when destinies are tied and futures aligned,

When each fate is written and missions assigned,

I come to you begging with only one wish,

My heart full of guilt but my eyes in anguish...

I ask for a promise though I have no right,

But the flame of my hope shines so blindingly bright,

I ask that my soul remains always for you,

That I remain in your service whatever I do,

That you are my guardian and no other king,

No other person no matter what luring they bring,

Though I am not worthy, I know only one truth,

That I want to give you my end and my youth,

You are my beginning and you are my end,

This soul that I've shattered only your hands can mend.

Will you deny me on a night of such hope?

Would you forget me when I've held onto your rope?

No...how would you, when you've shown me such mercy?

When you've fed me the drink of your love when I'm thirsty,

You've responded to words still unescaped from my heart,

Granted the prayers that I've had yet to impart,

You've saved me from disasters to me unbeknown,

You shoulder my sorrows though I've left you alone,

No other such mercy exists in this world,
For it is attained from just one household,
Lanterns that guide and arks of salvation,
A household of honour and saintly prostration...

So I ask by your honour and by that of the other eleven,
By the majesty of the kings of the youths of His heaven,
By the modesty and grace of the treasure of Haidar,
And the might of the lion who lifted the gate of Khaybar,
And by the beauty of him for whom words I can't find,
The praised one whose brilliance could turn my eyes blind...
Accept me, my servitude and make me your own,
Allow me to repay a fraction of the mercy you've shown,
Let my eyes not shed tears except for your pain,
And if I lose everything, let your love remain,
If ever I'm deserted then stretch out your hand,
Be my place of belonging if I belong to no land,
If I lose all guidance and and in darkness I wander,
To my calls of help always be the responder,
Be my shelter if my home is taken away,
The stars of the night sky and the sun in the day...

May my health and my wealth and my life be for you,
Take all that I have, I'll start afresh and anew,
For in this world and the next, I have only one goal,
That you are forever the custodian of my soul.

Catch Up

It feels like a lot longer since I last blogged, possibly because in between my last blog and this one, I graduated, got married, travelled a little (a couple of getaways), got a new job, and went for the Hajj pilgrimage! Clearly, it has been an eventful year. (I'm not even sure blogspot is a thing anymore or if anyone will read this...but I've missed writing so here goes :) )

The main reason that I felt like writing this blog was to share my Hajj experience- something a lot of people ask me about when I meet them for the first time since being back. The truth is, I still don't know what to say about it. It may sound odd, but whilst many of my fellow pilgrims had a lot to say about the experience during and after the Hajj trip, I feel as though I am still digesting the journey and experience, and still making observations about the effects and impacts it has had on my day to day life, before I comment fully. A few things I can say for sure, however:

1) It was a challenge- the heat, a standard Hajj flu, and the other 2 million people trying to complete the Hajj rituals simultaneously, all made Hajj the challenge that I was told it would be. However, more than the physical challenge, it was a challenge of willpower at many times. Staying calm when I wanted to panic, staying composed when I wanted to release some pent up annoyance, staying determined when I thought I couldn't complete the rituals as I had planned.

2) I learnt more about myself than I could have imagined, and I am continuing to do so. The day of Arafa was a day of complete transparency with Allah. If you haven't yet read the supplication of Imam Hussain (may Allah's everlasting peace and blessings be upon him) on the day of Arafa, you are missing out! This year was the first time I purposefully and attentively took a good chunk of time to read this supplication, and I can confidently say I have never read another supplication quite like it. Imam Hussain taught me through this supplication, to be truthful with Allah, which required me to first be truthful with myself. Now that I am back, I am trying to continue this transparency and accounting for my actions and intentions as bluntly and transparently as I did on the day of Arafa.

3) When Allah says He will repay you manifold, He means it. I have been showered with many blessings not just since I have returned from Hajj, but as soon as Eid day while I was still in the holy city of Mecca. Material blessings, and also blessings in the form of Tawfeeq to follow through intentions I had made previously. Yes- part of it may be that I am just more aware and more grateful for the things that perhaps I did not thank Allah for before, but sometimes you know when Allah has sent you a bonus, and I am the fortunate recipient of such bonuses right now. Alhamdulillah!

There is so much more I could say about this amazing and blessed journey, but I wouldn't do it justice. Suffice to say that it is a springboard for progress. You are tested, you are moulded, cleansed, and start afresh. You plan, set goals and cement intentions.

But as I've been told so many times...the real test starts now.

:)

P.S. you know it's been a long time when you say blogspot instead of blogger. Jheez.

I wonder

On the day when hope has diminished,

And our hearts meet their fates either way,

When faces will either be shining with light,

Or darkened with fear and dismay,

I wonder if you’ll reach out for my hand,

If you’ll turn your head towards me,

I wonder if I’d be touched by your grandure,

Or if you’ll find me worthy…

I may be tarnished by many a vice,

My soul is darkened with sins,

But one truth remains despite my mistakes,

My heart- with your love it brims…

My eyes have shed tears for your loss and your pain,

For Hassan, Zainab, Abbas and Hussain,

And for Mohsen, and your broken rib on that day,

For my master who was tied and taken away,

And through my tears I wonder if you’ll be my salvation,

If you’ll choose me to be amongst your saved nation…

You are the lantern of guidance, the way to be saved,

With every atom, the path to success you have paved,

Be it the nights you spend praying for your lovers’ success,

Or the depths of wisdom that only your household possess,

Your mercy and generosity that know no limits or bounds,

And your greatness and blessing, and the souls it surrounds,

And your household- where can a lover even begin?

Their love in our hearts cannot be expressed from within,

A father and husband who are the best of all men,

Inseparable now and inseparable then,

And sons who are the masters of the people of heaven,

Not one, not two but the blessed eleven…

Hassan, whose goodness leaves his lovers in awe,

Hussain and his sacrifice that no other man saw,

And Sajjad, nobody else could have seen what he’d seen,

Mohammed the splitter of knowledge seen and unseen,

And al Sadiq…such genius and reason and intellect so high,

And to his own soul, anger al Kadhim would deny,

Al Ridha, a king outside but truly a slave of his Lord,

Mohammed al Jawad, the pious and adored,

And al Hadi, the guide who cannot lead astray,

Al Askari, the master who was hidden away…

And finally our master who will show us your grave,

The final messiah, both humble and brave,

The listener who hears even words left unspoken,

The mender of torn souls and hearts that are broken…

And after all these praises, a question enters my mind,

Do sons show merits to which their mother isn’t aligned?

Never- their merits are yours as much as they’re theirs,

Of your countless attributes, they are the heirs,

But I can’t do justice to your status so high,

And the limits of eloquence I cannot defy,

So I describe you through thirteen other lights,

Their merits are yours and so are their plights,

Your pleasure is theirs and their pleasure is yours,

And pleasing you all opens God’s merciful doors…

So once again, I ask- will you look at me?

When you stop to set your true lovers free,

Will my name be amongst those that you save,

Do you accept me as your humble slave?

I know I am not worthy, but you are so high,

Your mercy is so great that you wouldn’t deny,

Your praises light up the darkest of nights,

And your names alone destroy all my frights,

For your courage is the courage of my master Ali,

And your acceptance becomes the Almighty’s decree,

So one final time I ask you…do you accept me?

Patience

For a very, very long time, I honestly didn't understand what people meant when they said to 'be patient' in difficult times. How can you be patient? It seemed to me like a passive state, more than anything else. If someone's mother is suffering from terminal cancer, what can they do? They don't have a choice but to deal with it. If someone dies, if I fail my exams, if what I want doesn't happen, if my plans are demolished to crumbs, what can I really do except accept it and move on?

I even brought this up with friends- what did it mean to be patient? And as much as some of them might have tried to explain it to me, I never really understood until I was thrown into the deep end- the end of experience. I finally grasped that to be patient wasn't actually a passive state, a state of helpless idleness. It's an active challenge.

We live in a society where we like to be in control- just look at people's new year's resolutions- we want to control our diet, we want to control our smoking, we want to control our bodies by working out and going to the gym, we want to control the use of our time. We want to control everything and anything, and the greater level of control we are able to exercise over these aspects of our lives, the more successful we feel. But more difficult than any of these- more difficult than controlling our food, our bodies or our time- is controlling our minds. And that's exactly what we're doing when we exercise patience, and I suppose that's why there's so much emphasis on patience in the Qur'an and from the Ahlulbayt (a.s).

Often when we are in tough situations, when things aren't going to plan, we try and resist the will of God without realising it. We might complain, we might drown in our tears of self pity, we might even try ridiculous things and go to laughable lengths to try and fix or change situations, which any outside spectator would easily tell us are out of our control. Why do we do this? It's non-sensical- nobody has or ever will win against the will of God, so why do we even bother? I guess it's because deep down, we believe that we know what's best for us. What we want in those instances is what we truly believe we need. We basically let our minds run riot, go with the flow of an emotional tantrum which often ends in resentment and bitterness. Essentially, we lose control of our thoughts.

I'm not sure if the translation of the word 'Sabr' into English as 'patience' is 100% accurate- perhaps this is partly why I used to have trouble grasping the concept. When I thought of Sabr, I thought about waiting. But waiting for what? Now (post eureka revelation), I think we're waiting to see what God has planned for us. I apologise for the seemingly trivial analogy, but I think it fits- imagine there is a dress (or a suit or a pair of shoes) that I really want to buy. I'm crazy about it, I feel like if I don't purchase it, I'll be missing out big-time. Unfortunately, my university fees increase (thanks to the oh so faithful coalition government) and suddenly the item that I wanted so badly, is no longer in my reach. Eventually, the dress sells out. Instead of waiting it out until later when my financial situation is better, I fight with the university for the unpleasant surprise, I try and dig out old savings unsuccessfully, I hit eBay and look up every 'fake' version of the dress available, I look for cheaper versions which sadly are noticeably tackier, I even go off to other stores to see if I can just buy several less pricy ones just to make myself feel like I'm still in control, that in fact, I didn't miss out earlier.

Cheesy analogy, I know, but the point I am trying to make is, sometimes we fail to wait it out- we despair, we try and resist, we try and compensate, and often we simply end up selling ourselves short in the process. While patience is difficult (understatement, I'm sure you'll agree), impatience is far more exhausting. Wouldn't it just be easier if we accepted that our so-called knowledge of what's good for us, is a fraction of a fraction of the knowledge that our Creator has?

There's a mind-blowing statement of Imam Ali (a.s) that is engrained in my mind- someone once asked him, 'How did you get to know your Lord?' Imam Ali (a.s) responded, 'I got to know Him through the fact that I would make a decision, and then all my plans would fall apart.'

May Allah grant us all forbearance, patience, and utmost faith in His plan in our tribulations.

Accept Me

My heart may be filled with every vice that exists,

My soul may be blackened with sins that persist,

I lower my head in humility and shame,

That my lips still dare to utter your name,

But how can I not, when you are so high?

When even your enemies, you did not deny,

My heart can be filled with nothing but hope,

My hand can only reach out for your rope,

For you rescue those who are shipwrecked and lost,

Those who are shattered by turmoil and tossed,

How would you leave me in thirst of your grace,

When Hurr received your forgiving embrace?

Whatever evil resides in my soul,

And though I may sway away from my goal,

However many times I may close the eye of my heart,

Whatever distance from you I'm apart,

There is only one truth to which I would swear,

And if I lie, the penalty I'd bear,

And that is your love which resides in my heart,

Even though we're lightyears apart,

I feel like I know you and you know me too,
Without even knowing, my soul to you flew,

However tarnished I am or however low,

I don't forget the one to whom my life I owe,

And though I am not worthy, my life is for you,

Your hand holds my heart whatever you do,

Sooth it or with your sorrow you break it,

I am content so long as you take it,
For hearts like my own will find no better abode,
No greater blessing could ever be bestowed,
Than to put life aside and take hold of your hand,
Begin eternity early with a master so grand...

No- I am not Hurr, but you are Hussain,
Your mercy renders your lovers insane,
And no- I am not worthy, but you are so high,
A last chance for atonement you wouldn't deny,
You are the lantern of guidance so show me the way,
Assist me, the demons of my spirit to slay,
For without your approval my hopes are all lies,
Your wish is the wish of The Almighty, The Wise.
Accept me, acknowledge me and make me your own,
With every cell of my being I truly atone,
There is no other beauty after seeing your light,
No eye can turn blind after you give it sight,
Even the dead who once loved you remain truly alive,
Your mere name is the elixir that lets them survive...
And I want to survive through your name as well,
In your fortress of certainty I too wish to dwell,
Do not let me die before my own death,
For my soul to be dead before my last breath,
My last breath I wish to save for your name,
Calling for you in the hope that you came,
For this day forward I leave old habits behind,
Every step I take with your love is entwined,
Your unmatchable mercy I'll try to repay,
With your name and your love I'll embellish each day,
These words I will write and the same I will speak,
And in you alone salvation I'll seek,
May my voice become hoarse from singing your praises,
I pray my weak body with you my Lord raises,
My hand is outstretched and I am waiting for yours,
Waiting to wash up onto your shores,
With you by my side, there is no sorrow nor pain,
There is no defeat when my master's Hussain.

The Hand That Holds My Heart

My hand writes for the hand that holds my heart,
My hand writes when his praises my lips can't start,
For him who knows my sorrow before I know my own,
And him who assists me while to me he's unbeknown,
The soul that I neglect, and yet I am his concern,
And while I search for comfort, it is him for whom I yearn,
I write for the mercy that descends whilst I wander in the dark,
The flood that drenches sincere souls and lets them board his ark.

He whose generosity to the stingy knows no bounds,
And his benevolence, the wretched it surrounds,
The way a noble master still cares for his lowly slave,
And rather than avenging him, he tries his best to save.
And why not? When from a household of divine mercy he comes,
And a household of nobility to which all royalty succumbs,
Fathers who humble humility and make bravery feel small,
And the mother of all mothers, of women- the best of all.

My hand writes for the hand that holds my heart,
For him from whom it hurts to be apart,
He whose mention fills my heart with joy,
And even the worst of sorrows, his names alone destroy,
The rays of hope that shine through clouds of despair,
The guardian to whom I entrust every affair.
What worry exists when I have such a master?
What is failure, and what is disaster?
I am not worthy but he is so high,
A servant who calls him, how can he deny?

My hand writes for the hand that holds my heart,
For the one who helps his lover and then will suddenly depart,
For him whose love overpowers any other,
A sister will leave her brother, a son will part from his mother,
Just to be with the master they've never seen,
And yet somehow, his lovers they have always been.
Minds are left boggled and thinkers, insane,
Only those who believe in divinity remain,
If ever someone claims to know what love is,
Show him Habib and Abbas and Aabis,
Such love is not mortal nor is it mundane,
It is this love in which immortal legends are slain,
How it is I wonder, that some deny his being,
When loving him is greater proof than even hearing him or seeing.

My hands rise for the hand that holds my heart,
For the veils between us to one day fall apart,
For the clouds to move and the sun to wake us all,
The triumph of truth and of falsehood, its downfall.

But with more anguish I raise my hands again,
Not for anyone- but for me and my own gain,
I raise my hands to one day be with him,
For the flame of my heart never to be found dim,
I raise my hands to not be the cause of his sorrow,
To bury yesterday deep and succeed instead tomorrow,
To have a heart of iron, unswayable from truth,
I raise my hands to be accepted in my youth,
To be the cause, just once, of his glowing, treasured smile,
Defeat the demons on the other side of every given trial.
I raise my hands to answer his call on the awaited day,
When crowds of sobbing servants for their king shall make way,
When his beauty will leave poets without words with which to speak,
And speakers will be speechless, their trained tongues numb and weak,
Wealth would lose all value, the only currency- his love,
The ornament of the heavens has descended from above.
I raise my hands to see his light even if it blinds my eyes,
For the one that healed prays behind him, for whom a nation is baptised,
I raise my hands for his hand to pass my lowly head,
To touch the holy sand on which his blessed feet tread,
To drown in his love and to die in that state,
To be lead by his hand towards heaven's gate,
And to somehow have some words left in my heart,
So with the angels singing his praises, I can also take part.

Thinking, Introverts, and Solitude

I have a feeling that some of my Twitter followers (or WhatsApp contacts, or former Instagram followers or Facebook friends...or just...my friends) may have begun to think that I am an unstable loner who complains a lot about being the 'misunderstood introvert' and constantly prefers to be left alone, and probably suffers from minor social deficits. I'll admit it- I do (complain, that is- not the social deficits!), and of late I have complained a lot about the three issues in the title of this blog. Hence...I am blogging about them.

When I was in primary (and middle, and high) school, every parents' evening was exactly the same. Every year. Identical feedback. Great student, does her work, completes it to a high standard, BUT she needs to contribute more in discussions, she needs to put her hand up to answer questions, she's very quiet. And even now at university, I can't say that things are much different. I'm pretty sure I am that girl who people see around, sometimes have to work with or speak to, but don't know the name of. Admittedly, I sometimes walk into a lecture theater, see someone who's apparently been on my course for the last 3 years and wonder why I don't recognize them, let alone know their name. I am, by all standards, an introvert.

Until very recently, I felt guilty for having these qualities. During school, it was frustrating that I was getting negative feedback for something which seemed was my very nature. I even remember one teacher hinting that I don't get into enough (any) trouble- imagine how badly I wanted to pull my hair out and scream, 'what do you want from me?!' And again, at university, I am that downer who will bail on every other outing or would prefer to read a novel or watch Ted Talks or weird-ish documentaries on YouTube at home rather than try out an overpriced restaurant or go to a conference...about teeth. Like I said, until very recently, I felt guilty. And what would I do to 'make up' for this oh so vile quality in me? Force myself, of course. Force myself to 'act' friendlier, or go to things I really didn't want to attend, or speak just for the sake of not being the quiet one. Lucky for me, I am a rubbish actress. All my short-lived efforts resulted in was a really messed up case of over-commitment, more frustration, and a 'what have I become?!' melodramatic crisis.

And then, the realisation dawned on me- maybe these expectations from the people around me are actually wrong. Just because so many people say something, it's not necessarily correct. Maybe my teachers were wrong for seeing introversion as a negative quality, maybe it's actually okay to want to stay at home instead of being out all the time, maybe, as the desperate-times-desperate-measures article in Psychology Today said, introversion might be a good thing! And then, I thought some more, and I realised, that maybe everyone has just jumped on the bandwagon of ignorance and totally misunderstood introversion by equating it with loneliness and socially inept people and all the rest of these incorrect and inaccurate connotations. And MAYBE this is why society and the world is out to eradicate introversion and make us all suffer in a world of loud, speak-before-you-think party animal extroverts! I'm kidding. No really...I'm kidding.

On a serious note however, our society really does lean in bias towards extroversion, and an unhealthy version at that. The education system is just one example that I'm sure most of us can relate to. Team work is great, but how many times are students given the opportunity to show their individual, original thought process? In fact, when is anyone ever given a chance to think?! I feel like the entire process of thinking has just been disregarded and forgotten. Logically, or at least in my head, this is how life (or a question asked at school) works:

You are presented with a problem.

You THINK about the problem.

From your thoughts,  you derive a seemingly plausible solution.

This, is what I believed happened at school:

We were presented with a problem.

We had to come up with a solution, no matter how ridiculous or nonsensical it was, or whichever search engine we got it from, otherwise we would be condemned as 'not participating enough'.

A lot of teachers said 'there are no silly answers'. Well...there kind of are. I completely support the idea of not reproaching a student for having an incorrect answer, but surely even those incorrect answers must come from somewhere, some thought process? Surely they too must be justified by the students who put them forward? I do not support the idea of speaking, for the sake of speaking. As Plato so eloquently put it, 'A wise man has something to say, whereas a fool has to say something.'

Another example is what I mentioned before- the pressure and expectation and disapproval from those around us. Just last week, I decided to enjoy some alone time by the river. Yes, enjoy. I bumped into some friends on the way so I had to let them know where I was off to. I kid you not- the look of concern and worry on their faces was both hilariously priceless, and again, slightly frustrating. 'Zahira...please don't go by yourself...are you okay? Why do you want to go to the river?' Parenthetically, I can't express how beneficial some regular alone time has proven to be! It's no wonder we have so many narrations from Ahlulbayt (peace be upon them) encouraging us to give some time to ourselves from time to time. It really is the time when our best solutions and ideas are born. I'm not going to bore you with history and figures but if you're really interested...here you go.

More examples of this social bias include studies which have shown that patients are more likely to trust loud, confidence-effusing, well spoken doctors who actually don't know their stuff very well, over quieter, more thoughtful doctors who in fact know their stuff extremely well. In fact, it's also been shown that the quieter ones who might seem a little hesitant are more likely to get things right because they give things a lot more thought.

I rest my case.

So, now that we have established that  the world is out to get society is extremely slightly biased in this respect, what's the solution? Well, I have stopped feeling guilty! I am no longer apologetic for things I don't want to do. Don't get me wrong- I do leave the house, I do go out, I see people, I socialise, but everything in moderation. In fact, I have once again begun fully enjoying my introversion by, well, reading, nurturing orchids, the weird documentaries, the blogging (Hallelujah), other random things. Alhamdulillah. I feel content. I don't mind being the quiet one in the room- that's just who I am. Silence is not a sign of stupidity or timidity or any other belittling quality, and solitude is not synonymous with loneliness.

At this point I guess it's appropriate to clarify to any readers that I have no problem with extroverts. Most of my friends, I would say, are extrovert. I have no issue with extroversion, but I do think that a reminder is needed that society needs its share of introverts too- there's nothing wrong with introversion! It's not a deficit, it's just a difference. If every person on this planet had similar qualities, humanity probably wouldn't progress very far. Introverts and extroverts complement each other, that's how the world has functioned since creation. You need us. Just kidding...heh.